One is back, I do trust that you have missed me. We have spent the past couple of days enjoying the camaraderie and hospitality of the yachting fraternity just across the river in West Cowes, such a nicer class of person over there. Whilst Osborne does enjoy a most pleasing aspect, being situated high on a hill overlooking the Solent, it is however in East Cowes, which is inhabited by many tykes and repugnant children.
People often enquire of me as to why we chose to build on this side of the river. The answer is simple, we bought the estate and the house which stood here, prior to our current magnificent edifice, at an exceedingly good price, £27,000 to be precise. The previous owner Lady Isabella Blachford was as mad as a sack of rats and frequently twice as unpleasant to have to deal with, however this proved to be to our advantage. Due to her aberrant mental state it was possible to indulge in some 'ducking and diving' as I believe you now refer to chicanery.
My plans for the 'Peasants' Festival' are progressing, the family of the unfortunate urchin are becoming increasingly mischievous. It is apparent that the pacification of the lower classes is now a matter of some urgency. This should however be easily achieved by giving them access to voluminous quantities of free alcohol and 'beefburgers'.
Whilst in West Cowes the other evening we passed a public house, outside of this establishment stood a gentleman of considerable proportions. Our enquiries revealed that he was called a 'bouncer', Mr. Brown has very kindly volunteered to perform a similar duty during the festival.
I have to go now as my daughter Louise who was endeavouring to complete a statue which she has been working on for the past 3 years has just slipped with her stone mallet and has knocked its head off. She is now weeping inconsolably. Stupid girl.
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