Albert has decoded the unintelligible 'text message' which I did receive last night. Apparently it says "Are you up for it, rolling on the floor laughing my arse off". This still did not help my understanding until I was informed that the former section is querying the possibility of an intimate liaison, whilst the latter implies that the author is enjoying an interlude of great merriment.
I replied that I might be 'up4it' depending upon whether the author was rich, handsome and of royal blood. I did not of course mean that, but the outcome of this exchange should prove entertaining.
Last night I had to despatch Mr. Brown to deal with the Fenians and their cannon. He did this admirably, however we now have another three dead Fenians whom we have to conceal. At present they are in the ice house, until we can think of a suitable solution.
I have to go now as a horde of gerbils are careering down our very fine staircase. Beatrice I hate you. Stupid girl.
Saturday, 23 August 2008
H.R.H. Victoria
As some of you may be aware I have a keen interest in art. So it was with great interest that I recently observed a certain Mr. Jeremy Paxman and a 'film crew' wandering around dear Osborne making a 'programme' for the 'television'. This 'tele-vision' sounds unpleasantly similar to Mr. Bell's 'tele-phone' and probably about as much use. Apparently this 'programme' is to be about paintings.
I trust that Mr. Paxman will not be so foolhardy as to criticise my own artistic endeavours, some of which adorn the walls of Osborne. If he does I should like to point out to him that the noses on my portraits are in the centre of the face and not protruding from the forehead, that my figures are not naked or engaged in obscure sexual practices and that there are no dead sharks anywhere. Dead prostitutes, dead Fenians yes......but definitely no dead sharks.
On the subject of dead prostitutes I am alarmed to learn that Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman and Elizabeth Stride have joined forces and intend to sue Eddie for their individual and collective murders. They have adopted the title of 'The Whitechapel Three'. One sincerely hopes that they will not have to amend this name to include any more.
I have to go now as I have just noticed a banner proclaiming "Justice for the Three" flying from the flag tower. Stupid tower.
I trust that Mr. Paxman will not be so foolhardy as to criticise my own artistic endeavours, some of which adorn the walls of Osborne. If he does I should like to point out to him that the noses on my portraits are in the centre of the face and not protruding from the forehead, that my figures are not naked or engaged in obscure sexual practices and that there are no dead sharks anywhere. Dead prostitutes, dead Fenians yes......but definitely no dead sharks.
On the subject of dead prostitutes I am alarmed to learn that Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman and Elizabeth Stride have joined forces and intend to sue Eddie for their individual and collective murders. They have adopted the title of 'The Whitechapel Three'. One sincerely hopes that they will not have to amend this name to include any more.
I have to go now as I have just noticed a banner proclaiming "Justice for the Three" flying from the flag tower. Stupid tower.
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