Victoria and Albert's Afterlife Blog

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

More comments upon our blog, I am most pleased!. A Mr. Jeffman and Lord Likely have visited, gentlemen you are most welcome.

Wilhelm's invasion of West Cowes last night was not what might be called an overwhelming success. He enlisted the assistance of Eddie, presumably on the premise that two homicidal maniacs are better than one. This however proved to be his undoing.

Wilhelm had bribed a number of ne'er do wells from East Cowes to sail across the river in a commandeered vessel, halfway across Eddie murdered the captain of the vessel. When Wilhelm asked him why he had done this Eddie replied that it was in his nature. A fist fight then occurred between the two of them and all notions of a successful invasion were quickly lost.

A solution may be at hand as to the future concealment of the three recently deceased Fenian gentlemen currently residing in our ice house. My daughter Louise feels that they would provide excellent nutrients for the allotments at Swiss Cottage.

I have to go now as my son Arthur has just seen a meringue and is experiencing what I believe you now call 'post traumatic stress'. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-25T10:03:00.000-07:00

Another new visitor!. You are most welcome Mr. Bananas.

This evening affairs of state were weighing heavily upon me, I felt the need for a little laudanum. So, I went to my medicine chest, only to find my precious tincture missing. The culprit was quickly revealed when Mr. Brown fell from his horse, it seems that he had run out of whisky. Tomorrow I will travel incognito to Newport to visit the apothecary.

It is always most interesting to make a foray in disguise, it provides the opportunity to eavesdrop upon the conversations of the hoi-polloi. Tomorrow I think that I will dress as a beggar woman.

I have to go now as Mr. Brown has just regained consciousness and is waving a claymore in a most menacing fashion. Stupid man.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-24T15:19:00.000-07:00

We are most gratified!. This evening we have received the second comment upon our blog. This came from a very kind young gentleman called Chris, which I believe is the diminutive form of Christopher. Thank you young man.

I have today invented a joke, it is this 'how may gerbils does it take to change a light bulb?' .............142, you need a large pile to stand on. Well it amused me.

I did in fact have electric lighting installed at dear Osborne in 1892. What mischief that caused!. At first we were perplexed as to why so many servants were being found dead at various locations around the house. It transpired that they had been introducing their index fingers into the newly installed 'sockets' in the belief that this was the correct way to turn the lights on.

Mr. Brown informed me today that the current level of ice in the ice house is insufficient to sustain the present state of preservation of the recently deceased Fenian gentlemen. We will therefore, with some alacrity, have to find a solution as to their future concealment.

I have to go now as my grandson Wilhelm has just invaded West Cowes. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

Albert has decoded the unintelligible 'text message' which I did receive last night. Apparently it says "Are you up for it, rolling on the floor laughing my arse off". This still did not help my understanding until I was informed that the former section is querying the possibility of an intimate liaison, whilst the latter implies that the author is enjoying an interlude of great merriment.

I replied that I might be 'up4it' depending upon whether the author was rich, handsome and of royal blood. I did not of course mean that, but the outcome of this exchange should prove entertaining.

Last night I had to despatch Mr. Brown to deal with the Fenians and their cannon. He did this admirably, however we now have another three dead Fenians whom we have to conceal. At present they are in the ice house, until we can think of a suitable solution.

I have to go now as a horde of gerbils are careering down our very fine staircase. Beatrice I hate you. Stupid girl.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-23T07:15:00.000-07:00

As some of you may be aware I have a keen interest in art. So it was with great interest that I recently observed a certain Mr. Jeremy Paxman and a 'film crew' wandering around dear Osborne making a 'programme' for the 'television'. This 'tele-vision' sounds unpleasantly similar to Mr. Bell's 'tele-phone' and probably about as much use. Apparently this 'programme' is to be about paintings.

I trust that Mr. Paxman will not be so foolhardy as to criticise my own artistic endeavours, some of which adorn the walls of Osborne. If he does I should like to point out to him that the noses on my portraits are in the centre of the face and not protruding from the forehead, that my figures are not naked or engaged in obscure sexual practices and that there are no dead sharks anywhere. Dead prostitutes, dead Fenians yes......but definitely no dead sharks.

On the subject of dead prostitutes I am alarmed to learn that Mary Ann Nichols, Annie Chapman and Elizabeth Stride have joined forces and intend to sue Eddie for their individual and collective murders. They have adopted the title of 'The Whitechapel Three'. One sincerely hopes that they will not have to amend this name to include any more.

I have to go now as I have just noticed a banner proclaiming "Justice for the Three" flying from the flag tower. Stupid tower.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-22T20:08:00.000-07:00

Oh dear me!. Mr. Bell never fails to entertain!. This time he has surpassed himself, his latest 'invention' the 'telephone' is a thing of the most wondrous inconsequence.

In order to demonstrate his 'telephone' Mr. Bell brought with him his wife Mabel, who is as deaf as a post. If you intend to demonstrate a hearing device I would not have thought it propitious to employ the assistance of a deaf person, regardless of their nuptial kinship.

Mr. Bell's demonstration was held in the Council Room, he sat at one end and she at the other, some 30 feet away. Between them ran a wire connected at each end to a box, to each box was attached some form of ear trumpet, but much smaller ones than are customary. Mr. Bell turned a handle and cranked up his box, he then spoke into his ear trumpet and dear Mabel at the other end of the room held hers to her ear. After looking bemused for a minute or so she suddenly shrieked and dropped her ear trumpet. Mr. Bell was ecstatic, proclaiming his demonstration an unqualified success.

I did not want to tell him but the cause of Mabel's outburst was not occasioned by her being able to hear whatever he had said, but was due to her having been bitten on the ankle by one of Beatrice's gerbils.

Mr. Bell told me that he envisages a time when wires will criss-cross the country suspended between tall poles and that people will be able to talk to each other along these wires. He is of course completely mad.

I have to go now as some Fenians are dragging a cannon across the lawn. Stupid Fenians.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-22T16:04:00.001-07:00

We are most pleased!. This evening we have received our first comment upon our blog. A kind young man from Portugal called Anastacio wrote to say that he enjoyed my musings, thank you Anastacio. I too like your blog, very nice pictures.

It grieves me to say this, but Mr. Bell was of course proved right in his assumption that one day people all over the country would be talking to each other using his 'telephone'. Sometimes we here in the afterlife fail to notice things, we get stuck in our own little world, well actually rather a big world, being as it is eternity.

So, in order to catch up with the latest developments concerning Mr. Bell's invention Albert did today purchase a 'mobile phone'. It is not, as its name would suggest, capable of independent movement, which is a pity as I would have liked to see it propel itself into the nearest lake.

This evening I received a 'text message' on this contraption which read: " r u up4it ROFLMAO". What language is this?.

I have to go now as I have just noticed a cannon pointing at my window. Stupid cannon.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-20T11:51:00.000-07:00

Following the unfortunate accident last Sunday which befell the gentleman from the East Cowes Fenian Association, it was deemed preferable if news of his demise did not reach the townspeople. Therefore he now lays at rest within our newly rebuilt terrace wall, which was so thoughtlessly demolished by Wilhelm.

Today Eddie has asked me to provide him with an alibi for the time that Miss Mary Ann Nichols was being so brutally murdered in Whitechapel. Eddie is at great pains to assure me that he had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with this heinous act, but, just to be on the safe side, in case the 'Peelers' decide to 'fit him up' as he puts it, he feels that an alibi provided by the Queen of England might in some small fashion assist him.

He thinks that something along the lines of an entry in my diary to the effect "How nice it is that Eddie did yesterday go to visit Viscount Downe at Danby Lodge, Grosmont in Yorkshire SO FAR FROM LONDON. What a coincidence that this was also the day that Miss Mary Ann Nichols was so brutally murdered in that distant city" might be useful. I however have my reservations, juries may be comprised of the ill informed, unkempt, uneducated, poor, indolent, unemployed hoi polloi but unfortunately they are not always stupid.

My legal advisor Mr. Samuel Forster has offered an interesting alternative, namely that Eddie should adopt the 'McNaughton' defence, to wit that he was as mad as a ferret at the time of this heinous act and therefore not in control of his faculties. Achieving this should not really pose any great difficulties, as of late Eddie has taken to twitching and fondling his scrotum in the most socially embarassing manner.

I have to go now as my foot is still recovering from the attentions of Beatrice's gerbil last night. Stupid foot.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

This evening I had a little wander around after you had all gone. I visited the nursery where our children were cared for by the estimable Lady Lyttleton, at least when she wasn't incapable through drink.

I noticed that there is a sign there which proclaims me as 'Grandmama of Europe'. Yes, that was a great success. My children and grandchildren spread haemophilia throughout the royal families of Spain, Russia and Germany; two of my granddaughters were murdered in Russia, one with her entire family, well done Alix. Oh yes...... and lest I forget my grandson Wilhelm turned Europe into an abattoir, not a village mind or a city or even a country, but an entire continent. I feel that you are not afflicted by irony.

I have to go now as Mr. Bell has just arrived to demonstrate his latest invention, something called a 'telephone'. Stupid inventor.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-18T14:55:00.000-07:00

I am mortified!. This morning whilst surveying the splendour of our estate from the roof my gaze fell towards a window, where it was met by the most disgraceful sight. Therein were two of my staff engaged in a most intimate embrace. This alone would have been bad enough but she was a woman of well past child bearing age, whilst he appeared to be but a callow young man!. This simply is not good enough!.

Mr. Heritage duly arrived from London this afternoon. He said that whilst he found my stipulations for admittance to our glorious home a little eccentric, he was willing to implement them. If he ever thought that he had any choice in this matter he did conceal this admirably. So, I can look forward to a better class of visitor. Whilst Mr. Heritage was here I mentioned the most egregious incident which I was unfortunate enough to witness this morning. He has assured me that something of that nature would never occur between his minions, I am mightily relieved by his reassurance.

I have to go now as one of Beatrice's gerbils is attempting to become carnally acquainted with my foot. Stupid gerbil.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-17T13:31:00.000-07:00

Today I have learned that dear Osborne is now being cared for on a daily basis by someone called English Heritage (and his minions), a most peculiar name, but one which does have a pleasingly patriotic tone. However I should like to meet Mr. Heritage as there some issues of which he needs to be apprised.

For example, regarding the desirability and social standing of those admitted to Osborne, there is to be:

1. NOBODY FROM EAST COWES.
2. No tykes or repugnant children.
3. No pregnant women, such an undignified and cumbersome condition.
4. No poor people.
5. Nobody with an unrefined accent.
6. No lawyers, damnable charlatans.
7. No bald people, a most unseemly fashion.
8. Nobody called Gladstone.
9. No Fenians.
10. No murdered prostitutes.

People whose admittance is desired and welcomed will be comprised of:

1. Rich people.
2. Those with a pleasing countenance.
3. Those with at least two surnames.
4. People called Disraeli.
5. People who hate corgis.
6. People who give me expensive presents.
7. Dwarves, it makes a change to see the top of someone's head.
8. People who can trace their lineage back further than an encounter in a cow shed.
9. Plumbers, can't find one anywhere.
10. People with a disposition for grovelling.

I realise of course that this might limit the number of those admitted but surely it's worth it in order to enhance the ambience?.

I will see what Mr. Heritage has to say when I meet him. I have summoned him to attend upon me at his earliest convenience, which of course will be at my convenience.

I have to go now as the gentleman from the East Cowes Fenian Association has just fallen past my window. Stupid Fenian.

H.,R.H. Victoria

2008-08-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

The journey to London was eventful. I was accompanied by my Lady in Waiting Louisa Duchess of Buccleuch. Louisa is not inclined to maritime excursions and was copiously sick on the crossing to Gosport.

However once upon the royal train she recovered her composure and entertained me throughout the journey by singing the most delightful little ditties. She is of course completely mad.

Upon arrival in London we hastened to Garrards, my favourite purveyor of very expensive and sparkling trinkets. After parting with a considerable amount of 'dosh', as I believe you now refer to money, I left the establishment with several new tiaras, brooches and other delightful accoutrements.

Whilst walking to our carriage a footpad attempted to snatch my bag of goodies, fortunately Louisa was still feeling queasy and managed to vomit upon him, this caused sufficient distraction for several passers by to pummel him into a state of unconsciousness.

Whilst at Garrards I was distressed to learn that on occasions gaudily dressed young women purchase items there. Apparently they are the wives of men who play a game called soccer, I did hear that the husbands of these young women earn £100,000 each week for kicking a ball around. This is thought impressive?. I earn £100,000 each week for doing absolutely nothing, a far superior position to be in I think.

I have to go now as a representative of the East Cowes Fenian Association has just delivered a letter of complaint regarding the inequalities of contemporary society. What does he expect me to do about it?. Stupid man.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

I had to go up onto the roof last night to put an end to Arthur's railing against pastries. It was tempting to demonstrate to him the quickest route back to terra firma, but, my motherly instincts prevailed.

I received a writ today from Miss Nichols citing Eddie as the person who did most brutally murder her. She has engaged the services of the company of legal practitioners Messrs. Suethem Andrun of Whitechapel. I fear that a court case could prove damaging to our reputation, so it might be necessary to offer her 'compensation'. It would be very convenient if Miss Nichols were to 'disappear', however as she is already dead this option is somewhat redundant.

I have to go now as one of my (still extant) gardeners has just informed me of a fracas at Swiss Cottage. Apparently Bertie and Louise are "fighting like ferrets". It seems that there was a disagreement over the ownership of a pumpkin patch. Stupid children.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-15T04:13:00.000-07:00

After last night's debacle with Arthur and the malevolent pastry, the issuance of a writ against Eddie, the fisticuffs between Bertie and Louise and the arrival of Miss Chapman I have had a most pleasant day. Nobody has detonated high explosives, no more murder victims have arrived, there has been no more chicken wrestling and all is well with the world.

It is at a time like this that I like to reflect upon the nature of the world. The world which all of you inhabit, that of the plebians, is filled with ill kempt, uncouth, obnoxious scallywags, and you're poor. We on the other hand are rich, that's it really.

Whilst travelling through the centre of my realm (why isn't it called a 'Queendom'?), the area referred to as the Black Country, I am forced to draw the curtains in the carriage of the royal train in order that my sensibilities not be offended by the sight of the hovels in which you live, could you not try just a little harder?. A few statues, some landscape gardening, a flag tower here and there would be nice. Is it really so difficult?.

I have to go now as the spat between Bertie and Louise has taken an unexpected turn. Louise has thrown down her gauntlet and a duel is to be fought on the terrace. As the challenged Bertie has the right to choose weapons, he has chosen rapiers, a serious error of judgement I fear, he will end up looking like a colander. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-15T04:00:00.000-07:00

As predicted the duel between Bertie and Louise was short lived but pleasingly tenacious, Bertie does indeed now resemble a kitchen utensil. It would seem that Louise's years of wielding a paintbrush has given her a considerable advantage in the disciplines of thrusting and slashing.

We have always known that Bertie is to put it kindly an idiot, but even by his standards taking on Louise was an act of the most stultifying incompetence. Mr. Darwin claims that we are descended from apes, in Bertie's case he may have a point.

This evening myself and dear Albert intend to visit the beach where we will dance beneath a diamond sky, to the accompaniment of a string quartet. If ANYBODY blows up ANYTHING, if ANYBODY murders ANYONE there will be hell to pay!.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-15T03:26:00.000-07:00

He's done it again, little bastard!. This evening a woman called Elizabeth Stride arrived to claim that she too, yes.........she too, was most brutally murdered by my grandson Eddie. What is wrong with this boy?.

To murder one prostitute might be considered an error of judgement, to murder two an exhibition of misplaced enthusiasm, but three?. That is redolent of complete indifference to our standing in the affections of the country.

God!. What did I do to deserve this?. Apparently you have a saying now "you can choose your friends but not your family". Oh, thank you very much, that's very enlightening, I would never have guessed that was the case.

I have to go now as I am going to get drunk and shoot someone. Stupid people.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-15T03:24:00.000-07:00

Myself and dear Albert are not speaking, due to my having shot him last night. I was aiming for Bertie, useless boy moved. At present Albert has shut himself away in his study and is playing mournful tunes upon his harmonium.

The vicissitudes of marriage and parenthood are weighing heavily upon me at the moment, so I think that I will travel to London tomorrow and spend a very great amount of money on trinkets, that always makes me feel better.

I have to go now as Albert's musical interlude is causing my dogs to howl. Stupid dogs.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-14T16:30:00.000-07:00

According to Albert there is something called a hard-drive in this machine; well, at present this hard-drive is making noises akin to a chicken being throttled. One fears that one may be 'offline' for a few days in the near future. Should this occur do not despair plebians, I will return with renewed vigour.

My daughter Louise, the artist, had some of her bohemian friends call on her this afternoon. She insisted on cooking a very large mushroom omelette which they all consumed with fervour. Since then they have been giggling like idiots. I don't know quite what my children are growing at Swiss Cottage but I intend to find out.

This evening one of Louise's male companions is to pose for an art class, au naturel, I think that I might feel disposed to do some sketching myself.

I have to go now as another young woman, called Annie Chapman, has just arrived saying that she too was most brutally murdered by my grandson Eddie. This really is insufferable!. Stupid girl.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-14T15:39:00.000-07:00

It seems that my hard-drive is all right and that it was in fact a chicken. Signor Francatelli was wrestling with the creature in the corridor, it had made its escape from the kitchen after declining to be cooked. Stupid chicken.

I asked Signor Francatelli to inspect the various vegetables and herbs that my children have been supplying to him from their allotments at Swiss Cottage. It transpires that many of them are of an 'interesting' nature, possessing as they do, hallucinatory qualities.

This could possibly account for my son Arthur's claim that he is being pursued by a meringue, of a most menacing and unpleasant nature. Personally if any meringue should be foolish enough to pursue me I should not hesitate in eating it.

I have to go now as Arthur is on the roof gesticulating wildly at the heavens and cursing all forms of pastry. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

At 3 o'clock this morning I had to despatch Mr. Brown to secure the release of Eddie and Bertie from the local lock-up. It seems that the landlord of the tavern had taken offence to their ribald behaviour and had summoned the constabulary. A young constable duly arrived and arrested them. Bertie asked the constable if he knew who he was dealing with, to which the young man replied no and that he didn't care, his passage to Botany Bay is being booked as I write.

After a few hours sleep I went out to survey the damage caused by Wilhelm's experiments with high explosives. Treading gingerly amongst the rubble that had once been the wall of our magnificent terrace I made a most distressing discovery, one of our gardeners, or rather pieces of one of our gardeners distributed unevenly hither and thither. It is fortunate that one has many gardeners.

That a person with one arm could wreak such havoc is perhaps an admirable achievement in a perverse manner, however I do find myself wishing that both of his arms had been rendered useless at birth.

I had a long talk with Eddie this afternoon and he has assured me that Miss Nichols is entirely mistaken in her assertion that it was he who did most brutally murder her. He says that the ornamental dagger bearing his monogram which was found in Miss Nichols' room was "put there by a Peeler who has it in for me".

I have to go now as the chimney sweep has just found some ragamuffin in one of the flues who has been there since his last visit. Stupid child.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-12T11:45:00.000-07:00

Today I was attended by my legal advisor Mr. Samuel Forster of Lincolns Inn. He feels that Miss Nichols may have a prima facie case against Eddie, on account of the fact that she can testify, in person, that it was indeed Eddie who murdered her. This scenario would seem to pose some problems.

However, Mr. Forster did point out that in the absence of statutory Health and Safety notices in Miss Nichols' place of employment expressly forbidding the stabbing of prostitutes, that we might have a leg to stand on. Further enquiries are necessary.

Eine gute Nachricht für einen Wechsel!. I do lapse into my first language at times!. This afternoon myself and dear Albert witnessed a most agreeably large number of visitors from Albert's fatherland to our home. They were most intrigued by the large portrait of my grandson Kaiser Wilhelm II. I will admit that he's a genocidal megalomaniac, but he's family.

I will have to go now as our idiot son Bertie has just been spotted escorting a young woman towards the trees which adorn the lower portion of our magnificent lawn. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-12T10:45:00.000-07:00

Eddie and Bertie have decamped to a nearby tavern for the evening. The local constabulary have been alerted. Meanwhile myself and dear Albert held a soiree attended by my old friend the Hon. Lady Biddulph, amongst others. The evening was progressing in a most pleasing fashion until there was a most ferocious explosion which emanated from the terrace. Upon looking out of the window I discovered that Wilhelm was experimenting with ordnance.

A palm tree which I planted some 50 years ago now lays in distress amongst the rubble of the terrace wall. I hate that boy.

It is to be hoped that should Wilhelm ever feel the need to start another World War that he will first pick upon the Americans.

I have to go now as a member of the local constabulary has just arrived to inform me that Eddie and Bertie have been arrested. Stupid men.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

My plans for the 'Peasants' Festival' have been completed, it is to be held on August 30th. My kitchen staff are to cook a 'barbecue' on the beach here at Osborne, Mr. Brown, as mentioned before, has kindly volunteered to ensure that there is no unruly behaviour.

Our idiot son Bertie is very keen to attend, he believes that this occasion will provide the opportunity to associate with numerous young women from the local populace. His intentions may however be thwarted, as Albert has acquired a quantity of bromide from the local pharmacy, it is planned to discreetly apply this to his beverages.

Myself and dear Albert have not been able to help but notice that our once genteel and secluded retreat, in which we were attended by only some one hundred servants, has been open to the hoi polloi for some considerable time, since 1904 we believe. This simply is not good enough!. They arrive in horseless carriages, charabancs and transportation of all kinds. Once they have gained admittance to our beautiful home they waste no time at all in displaying behaviour of a most disagreeable nature. Dear God, they even enter our bedroom!. Tonight I will ensure that Albert utilises his ingenious door locking device to prevent any unwarranted intrusions.

I have to go now as a young woman called Mary Ann Nichols has just arrived, complaining bitterly that she was most brutally murdered by my grandson Eddie. Stupid girl.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

A most tumultuous evening spent trying to convince Miss Nichols that Eddie was not responsible for her premature demise. She however remains unconvinced and is threatening to sue for malfeasance, to wit murder. She really is an extremely unpleasant young woman.

She claims that she can identify Eddie as her assailant as she got a good look at him whilst he was plunging a large dagger into her abdomen. I will have to consult with my legal advisors tomorrow.

I have to go now as my son Leopold has just died from a brain haemorrhage ..... again, he does it for attention. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

One is back, I do trust that you have missed me. We have spent the past couple of days enjoying the camaraderie and hospitality of the yachting fraternity just across the river in West Cowes, such a nicer class of person over there. Whilst Osborne does enjoy a most pleasing aspect, being situated high on a hill overlooking the Solent, it is however in East Cowes, which is inhabited by many tykes and repugnant children.

People often enquire of me as to why we chose to build on this side of the river. The answer is simple, we bought the estate and the house which stood here, prior to our current magnificent edifice, at an exceedingly good price, £27,000 to be precise. The previous owner Lady Isabella Blachford was as mad as a sack of rats and frequently twice as unpleasant to have to deal with, however this proved to be to our advantage. Due to her aberrant mental state it was possible to indulge in some 'ducking and diving' as I believe you now refer to chicanery.

My plans for the 'Peasants' Festival' are progressing, the family of the unfortunate urchin are becoming increasingly mischievous. It is apparent that the pacification of the lower classes is now a matter of some urgency. This should however be easily achieved by giving them access to voluminous quantities of free alcohol and 'beefburgers'.

Whilst in West Cowes the other evening we passed a public house, outside of this establishment stood a gentleman of considerable proportions. Our enquiries revealed that he was called a 'bouncer', Mr. Brown has very kindly volunteered to perform a similar duty during the festival.

I have to go now as my daughter Louise who was endeavouring to complete a statue which she has been working on for the past 3 years has just slipped with her stone mallet and has knocked its head off. She is now weeping inconsolably. Stupid girl.

H.R.H Victoria

2008-08-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

Mr. Presley called this evening and prevailed upon us to accompany him to the 'Prince of Wales' public house just outside of our estate. He was eager to listen to a musical act who delight in the soubriquet of 'Satan's Armpit'.

This particular establishment does not find favour with us, being as it is a haunt of the crass and vulgar local populace. Mr.Presley was however quite insistent, so we went, it turned out to be an entertaining evening. The musical act was comprised of a young woman and three young men, she 'sang' and they 'played' various instruments. The young woman was adorned with numerous tattoos, the most impressive of which was a cobra which started at the small of her back and made a triumphant flourish on the back of her shaved head. Whilst she 'sang' she made the most interesting gestures with her tongue which met with great approval from the male members of the audience.

After trying for some 20 minutes to purchase a drink at the bar Mr.Presley became disillusioned and we all left, it seemed as though we might just as well have been invisible.

I fear that choosing the name 'Satan's Armpit' might prove to have been a mistake as the dark one will not be amused. Visitations by incubi and succubi are to be expected. Upon arriving home I discovered that my grandson Eddie, Bertie's eldest boy, had come to stay, it seems that there had been some misunderstanding in Whitechapel. I do hope that there is nothing significant in this coincidence.

I have to go now as Eddie is throwing cats out of the window. Stupid boy.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

Dinner was indeed delayed last night by some two and a half hours. It transpired that the cause of Signor Francatelli's angst was occasioned by one of his assistants putting too much parsley into the Coq au Vin. Unable to remove the offending preponderance of parsley it seems that Signor Francatelli pushed the unfortunate assistant's head into the pot. This caused a brouhaha of some significance which developed into a fist fight. Reports from the kitchen of this encounter suggest that the assistant put up a vigorous defence the like of which the renowned pugilist Mr. Thomas Sayers would have been proud, I would have liked to have seen this divertissement.

Following this contretemps Signor Francatelli was left with a severely blackened eye and a tendency to walk unsteadily. When dinner did finally arrive it was as usual cold, though not due to the 'incident' but due to the fact that the kitchen is over 100 yards from the dining room.

My attempts to keep reports of the unfortunate shooting of the urchin quiet seem to have failed. A stable girl from the town has informed me that the urchin's family are muttering darkly and swearing oaths of allegiance to the Fenian cause. It seems that I will have to go ahead with my plan for a 'Peasants' Festival' after all. Tomorrow I will make plans for what I believe you now call a barbecue.

I will have to go now as Mr. Brown is banging on my window and screaming something about the Highland Clearances, you're not laying that one at my door Mr. Brown. Stupid man.

H.R.H Victoria

2008-08-06T12:20:00.000-07:00

The visit to Sir Edwin passed off with the expected accompaniment of turmoil and melodrama. The good practitioner did however manage to rectify the damage to Beatrice's teeth by the rather clever application of fragments of ivory affixed to her teeth with rabbit skin glue. Quite how long this remedy will prove to be efficacious is a matter of some conjecture.

Albert had proposed to carry out some remedial work of his own design. This would have entailed the pulling out of Beatrice's damaged teeth and their replacement with miniature casts of her remaining good teeth. This plan however did not come to fruition because upon hearing of it Beatrice hit him with a gerbil which had suffered a considerable degree of rigor mortis.

I have to go now because our chef Signor Francatelli is experiencing one of his legendary tantrums. This could last anywhere between one and three hours, depending upon the degree of angst which he feels has been inflicted upon him, so I fear that dinner might be a little late this evening. Stupid man.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

As you might recall, well those of you with a mental capacity greater than that of a turnip, yesterday my daughter Beatrice was trying to open a bottle of beer with her teeth. In this folly she was singularly unsuccessful, she did however manage to shatter two of her incisor and one of her canine teeth, in addition to the bottle which fell from her grasp whilst she was experiencing what appeared to be some discomfiture.

I now regret allowing Mr. Brown to teach her this trick, or to be more precise I now regret allowing Mr. Brown to teach her this trick unsuccessfully. We will now have to visit the odontological practitioner Sir Edwin Saunders in Wimbledon. There are no reserves in my imagination as to the amount of anguish and perturbation that the encounter between Sir Edwin and Beatrice will produce. Thank you Mr. Brown.

We do have here a couple of people whom I believe you refer to as National Health Service 'dentists'. One is a gentleman and one a lady, both from the ancient and esteemed country of Poland, both of whom are prematurely deceased due to an inopportune occurrence between their horseless carriage and a somewhat formidable brick wall. However one does prefer the attentions of Sir Edwin as he has a title, which was bestowed upon him by myself.

On the subject of Poland I feel it incumbent upon myself to apologise to the good people of Poland for the invasion of their country in 1939 by Mr. Hitler. The endeavours of Mr. Hitler were no doubt inspired by the earlier unsuccessful attempts at world domination perpetrated by my one-armed lunatic of a grandson Wilhelm. Sorry Poland.

I have to go now as Beatrice is inflicting insufferable annoyance upon my sensibilities with her incessant wailing and gnashing of her remaining teeth. Stupid girl.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-05T15:06:00.000-07:00

Dear God!. How many imbeciles should it be possible to assemble on one small island?. I refer of course to the Isle of Wight. This evening whilst perambulating the promenade of East Cowes myself and dear Albert were accosted by an assortment of urchins, one of whom enquired of me " 'ere, are you the queen?", to which my reply was "Yes, you repugnant child", at which he and his compatriots fell about laughing. It was at this point that I instructed Mr.Brown (always in attendance) to shoot him in the testicles.

I fear that reports of this incident, if I can not manage to keep it quiet by bestowing a considerable amount of money upon the urchin's family, will result in disquiet among the local townspeople. Therefore should it become necessary to preclude the possibility of any untoward actions on behalf of the townspeople I propose to hold a party for them. This occasion would be called the 'Peasants' Festival', I think that it would be a great success.

It could be held on the beach here at Osborne, thus keeping the hoi polloi a sufficiently great distance from the house and also increasing the possibility of death by misadventure, in the form of drowning. Please do not think me harsh or uncaring, it is simply that one must do all that one can to preserve the line of succession by eliminating the competition, who knows how many claimants our idiot son Bertie might have sired?.

I have to go now as Beatrice is stamping on a gerbil. Stupid girl.

H.R.H. Victoria

2008-08-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

Well plebeians, we are back, we of course being myself and dear Albert. Albert managed to 'hack' into the Archangel Gabriel's lap-top, so here we are. This is I believe called the 'internet', a construction of some complexity and magnitude but I am confident that dear Albert will manage to unravel its mysteries.

Our idiot son Bertie seems uncommonly keen to explore this newly found avenue of communication, it is sincerely hoped that there are not young women on this 'internet' whom he could contact and with whom he could form inappropriate relationships.

I have to go now as my daughter Beatrice is trying to open a bottle of beer with her teeth, stupid girl.

I will be posting more from the afterlife soon and I will also be following events on Earth and particularly at dear Osborne with great interest.

H.R.H. Victoria